Meditate! Yoga! Tai Chi!….Bull sh*t

Ever been told, “Stressed? Try meditating. Or yoga. Or Tai Chi.

Bull sh*t
I’ve tried them all…

Meditation irked me, to be polite. You sit there and try to blank your mind. ‘Get the monkey off your back.’ Stop thinking. Yeah, try it when your mind is a gerbil on steroids, a hamster on a pelotron after a shot of caffeine. No way my mind is going to stop, go blank. It’s full tilt, energizer bunny full out.

Try yoga….more BS! Downward dog…yeah on the toilet. Warrior pose, yeah sure with a sword in one hand and a javelin in the other. Sound ridiculous? You wanna believe it.

OK, tai chi. omigod, are you kidding. Ever watch those old people doing tai chi? Pose, snap foto; change pose, snap another; another pose….oh give me a break. It feels as ridiculous as it looks.

Scotch…a daily dose, 1 1/2 oz or if you’re really stressed, 2 oz. Now that works. Sniff it in a shallow glass. Waft the aromas of a Scottish bog, highland peat, Caledonian moss….gently up to your nose.

Then, slowly tip the glass upward to your lips, slowly…touch the lips and tilt the glass up…let the nectar of the angels touch your lips and slip through to your tongue…..oooooo…an angel’s French kiss …a light brush of joy….taste the heavenly cloud made by the gods for man’s pleasure, and woman too. Swallow and the warm tingles down your throat as the angel mist works its magic.

Now that’s “destressing, SZPIN style!”