July 11 – Groundhogs, hares and other garden varmints

Rotzy’s in attack mode as the garden varmints invade his garden…this just won’t do!

BGH Stuff (Brantford General Hospital)
The info in this piece might not be quite factual….I mean the tyme frame….but it is surely to be corrected by Miz. Jo, who is, amongst other things, the number one P/R (proof reader) for this “F/N” column. Twennie (not his real name) is #2 P/R…..and he’s been doing it for years. Proof reading. The thing is, this week Miz. Jo’s gonna be doing it….proof reading….from Room 535 at BGH (Brantford General Hospital)….that is, if ROGERS*tm fixes the mess we….’we’ being HALF of the Dominion …. according to Zoomer 740AM….find ourselves in today, Fri 8th!! Anyway, here y’are….Jo Ann landed in hospital Tuesday about 5:00 ayem, OK? She had a new right hip (‘the ball’) installed and was back in her room to receive visitors (Rotzy) as of 3:30 Thursday! It went well…in fact…she went for a short stroll down the hall with a couple nurses while I was up visiting Friday around lunch-tyme and when they came back into the room yours truly asked her for a dance, but she buffed me off, saying ”sorry, but my dance card is full’. Damn. Well. maybe today? She may or may not see somebody from Physio on the weekend, but if not, she has her own list of ‘do’s’ as well as ‘NOT to do’s’, like restricted bending and NOT crossing your legs. She likes her room mate Linda (not her real name) but is not big on BGH food…however the cream of cauliflower soup she’s getting for lunch today has her attention, as Rotzy gave it an A+….the soup….on my last visit, so we’ll see. She has a couple (non hip-related) procedures to be done Mon or Tues but her ‘new *bi-polar ball joint* recovery has been great….(THAT * is NOT a typo, THAT is what they called it!)….and the speed it all happened with was/is amazing! And a great job by all concerned!! Stay tuned.

”Roger(s)! Wilco!….Over And Out”
And OUT they were….still ARE as of Sat. noon. Out like an expired candle in the wind. Ted…..Rogers, that is….must be rolling over in his grave today! It’s Sat July 9th, the day after somebody blew the main fuse at Rogers HQ, and it’s not fixed yet! The news networks are saying 50% of Canada/Canadians are affected by the shutdown, whilst Rogers, for now, are only saying ”SORRY”. Most businesses doing business on a ‘cash only basis’….but good luck getting your paws on the cash. Rogers said something about rebates/credits and such, as Ma Bell’s CEO and big-wigs are looking on at the carnage with big, wide grins usually reserved for cheshire cats and the likes. For example, Miz. Jo was able to reach me here at “F/N”HQ from Room 535 at BGH on my BELL land line fone. The latter was supposed to be ‘replaced’ by my new cell fone….but….Rotzy ‘dug in my heels’ and we hung onto it, because I’m not as stupid as I look! Still not sure when Ted’s people will have things running smoothly but the olde guy withdrew some ca$h the day BEFORE the screw-up, hence I’m good to go for Zehr’s and The In And Out Store….at least for today (Sat). but if it’s gonna continue I may have to consider some kind of ATM Dispenser/Box heist…to tide me over awhile. Stay tuned!

L:)ook WAY Down The List
Or listen ‘well into’ the news broadcast….and that’s where/when you’ll learn about the cold blooded murder of Shinzo Abe, the former Prime Minister of Japan. He’d stepped down as P/M after a decade and was giving a speech on behalf of his party when he was literally blown away by 2 cannon-like shots from a ‘home made’ gun by a man who was tackled and captured on the spot! I wouldn’t/couldn’t recall the P/M’s name but recognized his face immediately as Japan’s long-tyme leader. Anyway, it just struck me as ‘odd’ that Abe’s tragic assassination didn’t rate a ‘higher importance ranking’ up the news ladder. Just sayin’…. Anyway Justin counted the P/M among his close international friends and sent condolences to wife/family and Japan.

Gardens And Stuff
‘Twas just a dandy week for veggie gardens in and around Brant’s Ford….a combination of hot/sunny days and two or three good rainfalls. Not unlike last summer’s weather that produced record-setting crops of tomatoes, no matter if you had 3 or 4 plants in your 3’x6’ raised garden or your 500-acre farm is under contract to grow them for Aylmer or French’s. You’ll note I didn’t mention Heinz? That’s because HJ closed up shop in Leamington, ON and ‘went south’! (*Heinz is the heck of me, so to heck with them….Frenchs Ketchup is better anyway!) But you get my drift, right? But it’s not just the tamates….all of it’s doing well! and Mike The Gardner (not his real name) our neighbour down the hall, has a double plot over at Hope C/R Gdn and his corn (COTC) is already well over five feetl! and everything else is doing great! Except 4 or 5 cauliflower plants….ALL of which have been stripped BARE!! As were the cauliflower in a couple other plots. So….SO….most of them at Hope (including Mike, but not Rotzy) put up chicken wire to keep the critters…rabbits….out, but Mike spotted this guy in the act….a (well-fed) ground hog! who then jogged over to the church where he took refuge in the ‘snow-ball bushes’! Being that we are NOT in The Lone Star State there was no rifle in his truck and he seemed at a loss of what he could do? Rotzy would say ”nothing! Mike….he’s got all he needs from you, and then some, and he’s finding other ‘sources’ here as well”. “But what’re we gonna do with him? (meaning ‘TO’ him I’m sure) as he mumbled something about different firearms he’s owned. Oh s–t. Bad idea. So the back and forth went kinda like this….”Hey guy, you let me look after Gary Groundhog, OK?” ‘You got a .22’? “Nope….don’t own a gun”. ‘What? A bow’? ”Nope Mike….a hoe”. ‘A garden hoe’? ”Exactly, Mike”. ‘Far cough’. ”Seriously Mike, up in Nakina we had a problem with our lettuce….then enuff was enuff! First victim was ‘Buggs’ the Hare, then Gary the Groundhog….both met their end at the end of my ancient/favourite/wooden-handle hoe as yours truly and our grandson The Boog (with an assist to his sling shot) went into ‘attack mode’. KLOON! Sadly, I broke the hoe handle as I landed a ‘grand-slam swing’, on Gary’s pumpkin….lights out!!! So….SO….when we got down here and I started gardening again, I needed a new hoe. Well….I got me a ‘Mark Cullen Approved’ Multi-Purpose Garden Tool*tm from Home Hardware*tm for about $40 bucks! a combination rake/pick/hoe/scythe/axe/machete….and if Rotzy has to go into the ‘attack mode’ to protect our gardens, well Mike, it ain’t gonna be pretty!!

Yours truly just realized I made it through the entire week without ONE single road rage incident….AT me or BY me!….and what a relief after ‘the week from Hell’. It was definitely ‘prime tyme’ for the horn honkers and methinks they pick their spots to blast me, usually/always adding some ‘highly unimaginative’ cursing….which reflects a certain lack of education/english/grammar/manners/class. At which point I said (to myself) “Jeez Toad….why and how do you keep on taking that s–t from those —holes?! You need to shoot a couple ‘coughs’ back at them! You know the ones? The ‘far coughs’!!….they work great!!” ”Sure thing Doofus…..and that slides me right down to the ‘moron’ level, where they hang out quite comfortably! ”Look….my driving isn’t perfect….but when I’ve done nothing wrong, you had best lay off your horn! otherwise, at the next stop light or you might have a sideview mirror ‘adjusted’…or ‘removed’ ….not unlike the up-and-down arm in the Clinic parking lot last January. But, you are more likely to get Rotzy’s standard reply….”And, You have a good day, OK”?!

*Thought Of The Day… Hickory dickory dock, the Mouse ran up the clock. When the clock struck one, the Mouse s–t, then got a front paw caught in the gears. EMS came and released him….When the clock struck two. (thx ‘Grim Fairy Tales’)

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